It was an eye opener to realize that I had quietly and unassumingly adopted a habit of sabotaging my efforts to be successful, which played out not only in my efforts to lose weight but to be successful in other areas of my life. This revelation played out in my longtime habit of procrastination and lack of discipline. It wasn’t that I didn’t know better. After all, I had what I needed to be successful. I know how to eat right. I know how different foods affect my body. And even as I faced the usual ailments from obesity, I had difficulty slaying the dragon. And I often wondered why.
When I realized just recently that I would lose weight and turn around and immediately gain it back after retreating to the same bad habits, I knew that something was wrong. I also recognized this as a pattern that had already affected other areas because I began to reflect upon times past when I procrastination was paramount that translated into missed opportunities. How I’d shrink to the background upon the shower of attention. Running from compliments or disregarding them.
What became increasingly clear is that I was unknowingly and inadvertently blocking my own success. And this was something that I desired to come to grips with by getting to the root of lingering issues.
Seeing My True Self for the First Time
Before then, I had never taken a serious opportunity to look within myself. After all, I’d been this way for so long that I had accepted the fact that this was who I was. It was normal and there was no need to look further. Perhaps I simply had ignored my ways for so long because of the familiarity. It was the “me” that I recognized and was most familiar with.
But I remember climbing the same mountain over and over again and getting the same unwanted results. At some point, I realized that something about this was not normal – particularly if I wanted success. At some point, I needed chip away at that mountain until it becomes a small hill, a smaller mound, and then flat land.
So I began looking for reasons for why I had accepted going around in circles and ending up where I began – when my earnest desire was to be in a different place? What was I missing? What path should I take? What should I do different?
Inexhaustible Search
Throughout an exhaustive search for the real me on the inside, I discovered a number of startling truths about myself. One thing that I learned is that I did not love and embrace myself fully and completely. I had not accepted what God made in me and who I was intended me to be. For years, I had not accepted the whole of me –- with all of my strengths and weaknesses. I found that I’d rather hide in the background than to show up because I somehow felt that I was different from others and what I had to offer was unacceptable. Feelings of being unworthy consumed me. But I have no idea where they came from; I simply remember feeling this way for a very long time. Not all the time, but enough times to make a difference. But I didn’t know the root of it. How in the world did I get here and how do I get there?
Women in Purpose 