So I wasn’t committed; only involved. This reality hit me like a ton of bricks because I thought all along that I was committed to the work. Committed to making things happen. But as I sought answers about why I was dragging my feet about doing something that would change my life for the better, I discovered a kernel of truth about myself. And maybe — just by chance — the real reality was that I was fearful of being committed. But why? Why would I not want to walk toward a healthier lifestyle? Was I afraid of failure? Was I fearful of committing to something that in the end may not work out as intended? But why would it not work out, if I planned success?
But moving beyond involvement into the realm of commitment was more than a notion because it required more of me than perhaps I wasn’t quite ready to give. But this rationale made no sense to me, given the struggles that I continue to face. Conversely, would I rather continue to suffer by lack of change rather than place myself out of harm’s way. This made absolutely no sense to my natural mind.
Although commitment could prove to be risky in terms of involving much more than I desired, no commitment means no goal, no success. And given the type of person that I am — all or nothing — I needed to be all in and not half-step. Adding to this conundrum, I’ve never been much of a risk taker. Far from it. In fact, I preferred smooth and easy — not slipping, sliding; rocking or rolling. And it was the part of me that I tended to guard more closely — held to the chest because I also preferred not to get hurt, harmed or lost in any way.
So being committed was not only a leap of faith but a risk that ushered in a deeper level of involvement of more than my time and effort. If I was merely involved superficially, without the expenditure of emotions and deeply held beliefs and thoughts, I was safe. Not toying with my emotions. Not challenging my beliefs. Cool. Not coming face-to face with my thoughts and feelings if the direction of my commitment went south.
If I was lightly involved, there is no skin off of my back, so to speak. But if I moved toward commitment, the stakes would be higher, more emotionally charged and riskier if things did not turn out the way I’d anticipated. In other words, I was safe. But what if safe doesn’t get to the get to the goal —and what I really need is the outcome that commitment would produce?
Win or lose — or for better or worse — commitment would get me to the goal line. Because it’s through the process of commitment and the implementation of the steps surrounding it that indicates a willingness to that makes success happen. I realize now that saying “I do”, “I want” or “I will” does not make things happen. Planning and effort do. Discipline and hard work do.
But — am I up to the challenge?
Women in Purpose 